I grew in a very type-A competitive family. If you did a sport then you needed to be a champion. If you pursued a profession then you needed to be the employee everyone envied. As a kid, I was taught early on that you either keep up, or get left behind. I remember the first time I went skiing with friends in college and they did something I had never seen before…. they waited for each other. We were a group of varying skill levels and the most advanced skiers waited for everyone. They laughed at their mistakes that day, and showed compassion for everyone in the group. I would have been less amazed if I saw a unicorn snowboarding.
I was trained that to push myself at all times. If you did not meet or exceed your daily milage goal, your scholastic ambitions, or professional aspirations then you failed. I say all this to set the scene for what has been a very long arduous journey that I’ve been on. A journey of letting go of the bully inside who is telling me to run harder, work more, and never take breaks. This has been a journey of recognizing my faults and feelings.
When My Journey of Compassion Began:
I started the journey of being kinder to myself and others when I met my husband. When we were dating, we would go running together. I would pull out all the stops to beat him. I needed to emasculate him. Instead of competing against me, he just let me overextend myself and would jog behind me with a smile on his face. It made me so angry because such relaxed confidence unnerved me. A person who doesn’t need to prove themselves in everything they do. I will never forget when one day after a run he said to me, “You need to relax. I don’t care you can run fast.” That was day one of learning to relax and stopping the habit of competing with everyone around me.
How I remind myself to play nice:
I am still very much in the process of working on my ability to show true compassion for myself and others. I read a lot of books, I watch a lot of Ted Talks, and have mantras throughout my day. When my inner competitive bully emerges I remove myself what I am doing and ask myself, “Will the world end if I am not “perfect” in this?” or “What is really going on that I feel a need to compete against this person, or myself?”
I truly think we could all be kinder to ourselves and others. I wanted to share some key points from a Ted Talk by Susan David that I return to many times for advice when I am struggling with act the of compassion.
1. Be okay with failure: Truly practicing self-compassion is about understanding that not everything you do will you be perfect at. You might fail. Allowing room in your life for failure without the repercussion of self-flagellation is what being kind yourself is all about. This also extends to the people around you. Support friends and family after they’ve encountered failure. It is through failure that we learn.
2. Be receptive to all feelings: We have all had to fill out a survey at some point where you rated something in overly the simplistic terms “Good”, “Bad”, “Positive” or “Negative.” What we have learned is that if you feel negative about something you need somehow change that feeling to a positive thought/feeling. We are taught that having negative thoughts are bad. What I have learned is when I am having negatives thought I need to examine what is causing those thoughts. What are the roots of my thoughts? Example, “I feel terrible because I did not perform the way I wanted. And now I am experiencing negative feelings! People dislike negative people, why am I not more positive? I should be happy go lucky so people like me.” The root of my issue is I am a people pleaser who wants to be liked and desired. Now, knowing this I can practice more focused self-kindness and get beyond the shame of having negative thoughts.
3. Half the journey is being curious about compassion: Trust me, that feels really good when you are staring at the Mt. Everest journey of self-realization.
4. When you are having a rough day do not, under any circumstances, beat yourself up: I really love how Ms. David uses the analogy of comforting a child. You wouldn’t punish a kid for having a bad day? Would you scold a friend who was having a rough day? Why would you punish yourself? Practicing self-compassion is showing love and understanding to yourself.
5. Finally, and most importantly, practicing self-compassion, and compassion towards others is about recognizing we are human: Stress, failure, disappointment, and pain are human emotions. I used to be very attracted to people who did not show emotion, or valued emotions from others. I viewed these people as strong and above everyone else. But, now I have learned these individuals were scared of being human. My journey of self-compassion and kindness gave me the chance to invite people into my life full of emotions who celebrate being human.
On a side note; my husband and I still run together but now we do it side-by-side. We always wait for each other when the other one is tired. We call each other out if one of us decides to peacock and run far ahead. We talk about life and make sure that the activity is about together time. The fact that I am now a team player in this sport might be my greatest achievement.
